Refocusing on the dream

(Summarized/Paraphrased from Mondo Beyondo lesson):

- Goals are easy to chart, take you from here to there, are measurable and can be useful to help us develop stamina. Sometimes they are slave drivers.

- Dreams are off program, distractions, and have glaring holes in logic. Fill us with aliveness, to the edges of our imagination, to take joy more seriously and help us to be more alive.

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I found this lesson really interesting because it is so easy for me to get the two confused. Even with my big, huge dream... med school, there have been a hundred times I started the process and then stopped. It seems like each time, the stopping was related to the dream becoming goal-oriented--becoming more of a step by step check off the box kind of thing. Steps in a process towards of a goal, instead of a path to a dream.

I 've noticed that when this happens, I start to lose energy & motivation. Med school has been such a dream for so long... many times when I have started to move towards it, I got bogged down in the process a bit. Or, sometimes life happened and it had to be put on hold. But, no matter what happened, the dream was in the back of my mind. And there are certain things I do that help me refocus my goal list and connect it back to the dream.

So, when I get bogged down in the logistics and overwhelmed by the step by step process, or discouraged about my odds of success... here are some things that draw me away from the goals, and closer to the path leading to the dream:

1. I read.
- "Mountains beyond Mountains" about Dr. Paul Farmer--my ultimate hero, a sort of guerilla/rebel medicine practitioner & committed advocate of healthcare for the poor. I once heard him speak in Berkeley and got to shake his hand and speak a few words with him afterwards. After I quieted my racing heartbeat--I realized that he must be the most gracious and present person I have ever met.
- "Jacob Have I Loved"--in the epilogue, the older sister becomes a midwife in the Appalaichan mountains, saving the life of a newborn twin, and finding her own identity, finally.
- "Anne's house of dreams," where Anne Shirley's husband begins his work of doctoring a small seaside community.
- "Caring for the Country" - A Pennsylvania rural doctor program with in-depth profiles of rural physicians--I find the female doctors who are mothers a particularly rewarding read.
- "Kitchen Table Wisdom" - A UCSF Doctor's stories from her training as a young Physician, her personal struggles with illness, and her eventual career change to counseling for those with terminal illness. Although her personal story is woven throughout, the book is really more about the wisdom she has learned from her patients--wisdom applicable to life & to medicine.

2. I volunteer.
- Right now, I'm half-heartedly volunteering at a local Domestic Violence Shelter where I answer the phone and help manage the shelter. Its not that I don't think its an important issue--its just that sometimes I think institutionalization of services can detract from their efficacy on the individual level. I found most of the staff there to be somewhat dehumanizing/disrespectful of the folks they are there to serve. I understand that rules are important, and I'm sure that they have been burned in the past by people breaking their trust, but I really wish there was more compassion. (whew! didn't mean to write that much). Anyway, I keep going because I feel like I can make a difference just by saying hello and showing interest in the kids, and talking to people like people like peers--not like people who I am doing a huge favor to by allowing them to stay there. Anyway--it reminds me of how important humanizing work is to self esteem--just as important in a medical setting.
- One of the most meaningful experiences of my life was volunteering at the Berkeley Free Clinic for two years. Here, I truly confirmed this is what I wanted to do with my life. After working my full-time job during the day, I would race just a few blocks over to the free clinic on Friday nights to begin my shift as a volunteer medic. Most of our clients were homeless with respiratory infections, some were students who wanted their privacy protected for STD screens & treatment, some came for our free TB tests. Being a part of something so revolutionary, so crucial to the community, with such an impact on individual lives--It became such a huge part of who I am. Its one thing to talk about healthcare access and who has "earned" it in the abstract--its a totally different thing to be washing the feet of a homeless man who can barely walk from his blisters, dry and bandage his feet, help him find a place for food and shelter... such basic things that we often take for granted... ok. off that soapbox.
- I volunteer because it reminds me that giving a shit and doing something about it, really does make a difference. And for selfish reasons, it reminds me that this is what I want to do with my whole life--not just in my free time.

3. I listen.
- I go to a coffee night on Tuesday nights. The ladies are all ages--college age, to I think, some with grandkids, and sometimes a 12-year old daughter comes along. I love to hear and to learn from their stories. Although we talk about all kinds of things, I've learned a lot about illness and injury from them. About good and compassionate doctors, but also about medical horror stories. Its all I can do to listen with huge eyes when I hear about the horrid way some doctors address their patients, the patronizing speech, the disregard for family's involvement in treatment plan, the just plain poor clinical skills... it reignites my passion for medicine & for being a doctor that listens to patients & recognizes that is probably more important than any drug or treatment regimen.
- I listen to podcasts on rural medicine--individual stories of doctors far from big hospitals, challenges of language and culture clashes, access to care, how to be a doctor and have a family so far from many conveniences.
- I listen to my grandparents and their health concerns, as hard as it is. I am in denial that they will ever pass on--I just can't imagine it.

4. I study.
- I use the Student Doctor Network forums, to learn from other's experiences in medical school, to figure out what steps they took, what I should be thinking about for residencies, research opportunities. I also use this for encouragement--they have a great forum for non-traditional applicants, great advice and "Hey I've been there, here is what worked for me" stories. I love the wisdom and the (mostly) kind words in this forum.
- I review my anatomy books, physiology books, the biology section of my MCAT-prep books. Doing this just makes my heart beat a little bit faster as I dream about learning more about the human body & biology, about cutting into a cadaver, about interviewing standardized patients for evaluation... the butterflies in my stomach remind me that I'm not just excited about a medical career--I'm excited about the actual learning process of medical school!


Doing all of this somehow helps me to remember that medical school & a medical career has always been a dream of mind--something so close to my soul & to who I am. When I can refocus on the dream--the goals & steps & logistics & lists are helpful again... they are leading me to my dream!